nicolecunningham.ch

As if I don’t already hate people and want to hide in dark cave with Pablito, I got lit into tonight.

The two people I trustED more than anything in the world essentially have the same discourse: that I’m fat, out of control, can’t handle money, and apparently selfish. I only claim fat and out of control. One of the reasons I moved to Zurich was to create some geography away from some toxic elements in Lausanne and be closer to the people who accept me as I am and treat me like an adult. It took me a while to cut them out, and some branches aren’t completely pruned, which is normal since for most people, the two people who betrayed me and dog me out are usually what most humans call key relationships. And what happens is that if you keep toxic people in your life, your problems will just follow you.

Not to whinge, but it was and is really hard for me to think that the ones who were supposed to know me the best are the ones who tell patent lies about me and denigrate my character. Could you imagine a spouse or a family member reaming you out repeatedly about what a bad person you are? I didn’t have a foundation and I had to start my life over again and I am still not there yet. Add to that living in a foreign country, your best friends being thousands of miles away and not having the most ideal job situation. No more family. No more husband. That really sucked and I didn’t like having to come back from that too much.

Recently, I got my ass busted about a tax bill. One where I was actually in the right but the guilty party insisted on screaming loudly for twenty minutes about how I can’t handle money and don’t know what the hell I am doing, etc. etc. He was completely wrong and either deluded or intentionally lying to save face. Then he added the fat and helpless for good measure. So even when I do something right and good for some people, I’m still a bad fat person who deserves to be screamed at.

I’m a people pleaser, and these people have a perverse way of knowing that disapproval will shatter me. Also, from an Islamic point of view, I have pride about certain things in the religion, so when someone says I did something against Islam (like stealing money, for example), it hurts. Even when it is an outright lie given the context. So they manipulate any situation into how they disapprove or how I somehow did something wrong to hurt them, when the real issue is I called them out on how much they hurt me. If I call you out on how you weren’t there for me when I needed you, don’t come back and spin it that it was because of something I did. I often wonder what my life would be like if I did everything these people say- lost weight, “got my driving license”, cleaned house better…would they shut up? No, they would just find something new to gig me on or dredge up some past bullshit to justify whatever they felt like doing today. I have nothing left to lose now because they took everything away, so I have no problems at this point walking away. But it took two years.

The difference between the Lausanne me and the Zurich me is that the Zurich me no longer has the time or the inclination to put up with this shit. But like all abusive relationships, when you start getting strong, they lay it on real thick to break you. They start telling lies to your other family members about how bad you are.

it wasn’t about taxes, really. The taxes will be fine. And so will I.