I don’t look for the big things in life. I’ve never been one to search out power, or glory or even success. What drives me and what I thrive on are the little things in life- a knowing glance from a friend, a comment made off the cuff, a cup of tea in the morning. I take pleasure in a smooth-functioning normality, which may sound weird considering the life I lead, but it is the truth. But more than normality, I want an exceptional banality where every day is magical in its routine- I want every day to be filled with mini-vignettes of life’s joys- millions of tiny states of grace.
Sometimes I think I willingly sabotage my pursuit of stability. I’ve put too much on my plate the past few weeks and have wasted a lot of time being either busy or anxious, or anxious about being busy, not sleeping, being pissed off about not sleeping, forgetting to send emails and follow up with people, effing up at work, etc. Various life choices I have made would tend to lend credence to an idea that actually, all I really look for are new experiences and new sensations and ANYTHING BUT routine. Furthermore, I also think grace is a blessing from God given to those who are grateful. I then wonder if I somehow compounded what I saw as an absence of grace in my life in recent years by being UNgrateful about the little things.
And then I stopped to breathe. I forgot about my own pain. I opened my eyes and saw that I was surrounded by beauty. Joy in a myriad of forms was staring me in the face and I just had to reach out and touch it. The mini-states of grace I longed for were waiting to be counted. And with it I realized that some people who see me every day have only just now seen me really smile or heard me really laugh. Because now I laugh and smile a lot. I’ve stopped taking things so seriously because life in this dunya is so short. If I don’t take the time to look around, I’m going to miss what it gives me.