Today was the second time I was almost robbed in Enge.

“Almost” because I am from New Orleans and the only way you are going to get my wallet is by pulling a knife or a gun on me.  You will not get one of my personal items by deception, and if you do, well, you’re so slick you should keep it as a consolation prize because I DO NOT EFF AROUND.  Plus the whole hypervigilance stuff means people up in my biznass need to have a good reason to be up in my personal space. I do kick people who get within breathing distance. Anyway.

The first time was a couple of months ago when a guy was walking in my blind spot.  Y’all know what I am talking about- you can feel the person but can’t see them.  My bag, as usual, was strapped across me.  When I realized that this dude was being a little too specific about where he wanted to walk (it can’t be my looks), I pushed my bag to the other side of my body, next to the wall where no one could walk comfortably, and he audibly sighed and moved on.  Like he could have got in there anyway.

Then today, I was walking down the street in front of the Jewish Community Center, which has like El Al type security but none today, whatevers, and these two dudes accost me with the whole sign my petition thing.  The Sign My Fake Petition game can go one of two ways:  1. they make you sign then make you pay a “donation”: 2. Mutt distracts you with their spiel about how to sign and then Jeff goes through your bag.  Another  less frequent variation is 3. stealing your phone or other valuables while you are fooling with your wallet to give them the two francs to make them STFU and GTF away.

So yeah, when did Enge become Oerlikon or Langstrasse, eh? I’ve now moved my Purse Vigipirate Alert Level up a notch to “WTF AM I IN PARIS NOW OR SOMETHING?” Now no more walking around with my phone in my hands, am going to keep the headphones for the commute, wallet way down in the main compartment of the bag across my body and under my hands, not pushed to the back.  I can’t believe I have to have my New Orleans game on in Switzerland.

Cray.