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Dumbass brothers


Yes, I am a man-hating cat lady, I own it. I really, really own it this time. I only aspire to be the ignorant, bonbon eating fake convert housewife.

After my last post, some brother hit the salafi trifecta with me: I was acting like a “polytheist”, making apologies for the “polytheists” and said that I was generally ignorant of the religion. Oh, and btw, I also “must have been having my period” and was an “angry housewife.” If he had read the post he would know that I wasn’t making any claims to deen at all, but about Muslims. Reread my last post and replace “gay” with “hijab.” I feel the same way about hijab. I personally believe that hijab is mandatory in the religion. There are sisters who believe wearing hijab is not mandatory, but that doesn’t mean that sisters (LIKE MYSELF PART TIME HIJABI FTW AHEM) do not have the right to exercise personal choice and free will in choosing to wear it. If someone comes to me and says they can back up how they believe, I know that I don’t have enough knowledge in the religion to come back at them. The only thing I CAN control is what I believe. I’m only responsible for other people’s deen insofar as making sure I give them their rights as Muslims and as human beings. I’m not responsible for changing their minds if they think eating Skittles is ok or something.

The earlier today, a brother who supposedly is “here to make dawah” called out a dear brother in an insulting manner. Again, it wasn’t about being gay, or skittles or is kosher halal- the phrase I took offense to was Dawah Brother saying “well if you were Muslim you would understand.” Well guess what, he’s not Muslim and he doesn’t understand. But don’t lord over someone like you have exclusive knowledge just because you’re Muslim. And being Muslim doesn’t mean being a close-minded asshole. Being Muslim doesn’t mean telling others how to be. Being Muslim means CHECKING YOURSELF BEFORE YOU WANNA GO CHECK SOMEONE ELSE.

And while I am talking about men, permit a tangent on the brothers. If I ever, ever, EVER get married again, the brother of my choosing will be someone who is first and foremost worried about his own deen and less worried, or not at all, about judging others. Sadly, I have yet to find a brother like that. The “practicing” brothers I meet are hijab police, and the “non-practicing” brothers sit around and judge on stuff like purses and coffee and clothes. We’re all different, that is what makes us human beings, and if you spend your life trying to make people be just like you, and judging them if they aren’t (which goes double for spouses), this world will be a boring, lonely place. People ask who my dream guy is? It isn’t the cute guy with the degrees or the one with the bling car or the summer house in Back Homelandia? I don’t fucking need that, I already had the looks and degrees and money guy (FAIL) and I have my own money and status. I live in Switzerland, this kind of brother is a dime a dozen. NEXT. I’m so tired of these boys talking about how girls need to be perfect, I don’t need men to be perfect, I’m not looking to raise myself through my marriage, I give myself everything I want. I’m just looking for an interesting human being who is easy to talk to and be around who isn’t judgemental. I could marry a garbage man if only I saw someone who spends more time worrying about himself than worrying about other people’s biznass. My only criterion. I’m so for real, you don’t even know it.

My limited knowledge of deen, I own it, because guess what: do any of you brothers practicing Teh Hizlamz know how many years of study it takes to be proficient in deen? Maybe that’s why I don’t go around like some people googling Bukhari and arguing finer points of deen just because I have a few audiotapes? But not knowing a lot doesn’t mean I’m not Muslim and not knowing a lot doesn’t mean I don’t know what I do know. And what I do know is that Islam teaches me to not treat people like assholes. And I am tired of people telling me in my righteous indignation in the face of injustice that I am the one who has to have sabr but it is ok to act like an asshole in total impunity. It’s ok for some judgemental brother to call me ignorant, call me a housewife (if only!) and almost accuse of me of kufr, but if I get mad because you are making my religion look bad, I need to “calm down” and “stop committing gheebah.” Have y’all ever noticed that when someone acts like an asshole, it is because s/he is “enjoining the good” but when you call the person out on being an asshole suddenly you are committing “gheebah”?

So, brothers (and might I add no straight brothers commented on the previous post)- I wasn’t saying that being gay was right or wrong because it isn’t my point to argue. What I was making a call on is how we need to treat people. And for that, I will judge you, because I am tired of being judged. What defines Islam as the final monotheistic religion isn’t hijab or pig, it is, and will always be, about the adab and the tawhid. You worry about yourself first.


Author: Nicole Cunningham

American Expat and convert to Islam living and working between Lausanne and Zurich, Switzerland.

15 thoughts on “Dumbass brothers

  1. Pingback: Tweets that mention Dumbass brothers « --

  2. Salaam Alaikum,

    WOO HOO! Just yes, a thousand times yes!

    *Gives standing ovation and does happy dance*

  3. Well said, sister!

  4. Salaam

    Straight brother commenting on this post. All I gotta say is- preach. I am very guilty of judging but all we have to do is look back to the seerah to see how people who committed major sins were treated by the Prophet (saw):

    “… a man was punished by the Prophet because of wine-drinking. One day when he was brought to him and he gave orders and had him beaten, one of those present said: “O Allah, curse him. How often he is brought!” The Prophet said: “Do not curse him. I swear by Allah that I know he loves Allah and His Messenger .” (Al-Bukhari)

    So yeah I got that from hadith for all the trolls out there who love to quote things. Also, on your last post, I feel you on embracing people who do things that I personally think is a major sin- embracing the gay lifestyle- but we have to be patient with people and, you are right. If unrepentant adulterers can come to the masjid I don’t see why gays cannot. It’s just such a politicized issue- homosexuality I mean. News flash- sodomy is a poorly hidden secret in much of the Muslim world.

    Anyways I hope you are well and don’t let the trolls get to you because your blog is your own space and don’t let anyone make you feel that you should apologize for what you write.

  5. I wrote a comment but it disappeared 😦

    Here’s a summary-

    This hadith:
    … whereby a man was punished by the Prophet because of wine-drinking. One day when he was brought to him and he gave orders and had him beaten, one of those present said: “O Allah, curse him. How often he is brought!” The Prophet said: “Do not curse him. I swear by Allah that I know he loves Allah and His Messenger .” (Al-Bukhari)

    Also, time to quote Jesus (as)- Judge not lest you shall be judged.

    Also, in the words of possibly the MUJADDID of the last century Maulana Thanvi- “I consider myself inferior to every Muslim at the present time.”

    If only we were more like our role models.

  6. ‘Hijab or pig’! That was funny(笑)!

  7. Well said, sister!

  8. Very well said. I think some of the best Muslims are the ones I wouldn’t point to and say, Wow, look at him/her. They wear it on the inside, they go about their business and Allah’s business and to hell (figuratively) with everyone else’s opinion.

    Osman, thank you for the hadith about the wine drinker. Drinking wine isn’t my sin, but I have others and this gives me hope.

  9. Update: I was told by a “concerned brother” that I was “making gheebah” on the guy who said I “must have been on my period.”

    NO COMMENT. (SO CALLED) Salafi trifecta indeed.

  10. I love you and your thoughts in the best way that a someone who has never met you in the for reals can love you and your thoughts. Thank you a thousand times over for being real and saying it how it is and should be.

  11. Salam,

    From a brother’s perspective, it’s nice to hear Muslim women are looking at things other than degrees/looks. 😉 I’m still working on my degree, inshaAllah, I might some day come across a woman so wise. I’ll definitely be following this blog. 🙂

    I think what you’re getting at is simple manners. Even if one is right, they are definitely wrong if they don’t give their advice properly. A “brother” speaking to a Muslim woman who is not his wife about her … — that is *never* appropriate. (Where I come from, such a thing is met with violence, not that I condone it.) Doesn’t take a PhD in Islamic theology to know this… one only needs to look at the example of Prophet Muhammad, pbuh.

    If your intention is to give advice, as opposed to just being rude, then you would naturally look for the best way to put your message across (and not get into the subject of women’s physiology…)

    To the brother who made that comment and is surely reading attentively: lowering ones gaze has more than a literal meaning. I find that a good metric of how sensitive to be when speaking to fellow Muslims, and women especially (if you should at all), is to write your comments as if your mother were reading, inshaAllah. 😉

    Peace to all.

    PS: Interesting photo at the top of your blog. Are those workers on a tarmac? Reminds me of a very difficult summer job…

    • Salams
      Thanks for stopping by! I think Muslim women would say the same thing about Muslim men- it is so hard to find someone not into money or looks period, regardless of gender. I agree that a lot of drama could be spared by people just acting right.
      The photo at the top is taken from Lausanne’s track meet, Athletissima, in 2009. 🙂

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